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    June 25

    AMBULANCE, POLICE CAR COLLIDE

    We have so much crime that the emergency vehicles are running into each other while trying to get to all of the calls!!!

     

    STOCKTON - A Stockton police officer remained in serious condition at San Joaquin General Hospital late Sunday night after an ambulance collided with her patrol car early that morning.

    The officer, Kimberly Sailius, was the driver of a patrol car struck by an American Medical Response ambulance about 3:30 a.m. in the intersection of El Dorado Street and Weber Avenue, police reported.

    Police said the patrol car was headed north on El Dorado Street and approaching Weber Avenue and the ambulance was eastbound on Weber Avenue when it struck the patrol car on the driver's side.

    Both vehicles were responding to emergency calls with lights and sirens when they collided. The accident is under investigation by the Stockton Police Department. It was unclear Sunday which of the two vehicles was passing through a red light, said Sgt. Chuck Flesher.

    Officer Emiliano Rincon, the passenger in the patrol car with Sailius, suffered minor injuries and was treated and released from San Joaquin General Hospital. Both ambulance occupants also suffered minor injuries and were treated and released from Lodi Memorial Hospital.

    Sailius has been on the force for approximately 16 months. She and Rincon were responding to a report of a person shot when the two vehicles collided in the intersection. The ambulance was headed to an emergency medical call.

    Teri Griffin, communications supervisor for AMR's LifeCom dispatch center in Salida, said she did not have enough information to comment on the accident.

    I know she's in serious condition but, OMG, does this situation invoke a somewhat humorous response.  It would have been super funny if no one was injured and they got out and started yelling at each other.  Notice in the article that they were responding to two separate calls for service. 

    Who has the right of way?

    There is no regulation establishing a right-of-way in this kind of situation, Sgt. Chuck Flesher said. But there are rules governing the behavior of emergency vehicles. 

    You go.  No, you go.  No, you go.  No, no...I insist...you go.

    November 04

    Could it be?

     
    As sad as it is...
     
    The service was beautiful.  They always are.  The freeway was tied up for hours because of the massive procession.  Thousands of officers were there.  So many in fact that the service was held at Raley's Field.  I watched from my computer at work.  Amazing.
     
    I heard a rumor this morning.  I ran into an officer from SJCSD.  He said a guy got arrested last night.  Some crazy f*^k in this jail on a 422.  He has scrapes and bruises down the sides of his arms and leg.  They are checking for DNA match to the DNA found on the ground at the crime scene.  Sac County Sheriffs were buzzing around with questions for the guy.
     
    I tried to dispell a belief.  Officer X believed the shooting was...in a fashion similiar to The Onion Field.  Based on reports, I don't believe this is true so I didn't lie to Officer X.  But my main goal was to purge the thought from his head.  I hope I'm not wrong.  I just don't want them walking around with that weight.  The weight is heavy enough without adding that scenario into the mix.
     
    It's cloudy and rainy here today.  It was foggy this morning.  Feels strange outside.  The way the fog muffles the sound.  I live right on I-5 frontage road.  But its hardly noticeable this morning.
     
    My last final was last night.  Its hard to tell how things went.  My brain is toast, so its the perfect time to go see my dad.  Its difficult to sit with that man when my brain is at full speed.  We are so different, he and I, in our way of thinking.  But we are both the same in the respect that we have opinions of current events.  The difference lies in our perspectives.  I always try to find the positive, the solution.  He sees it from a fatalistic POV.  I am not in any mood for discussion. 
     
    Its going to be a difficult day.  I'm thinking about Matt a lot.  I think I'll leave my cell phone at home.
    October 28

    And the world keeps turning

     

    Investigation Continues Into Deputy's Slaying

    Bodies In White Van Identified

    POSTED: 5:26 pm PDT October 27, 2006
    UPDATED: 8:01 pm PDT October 28, 2006

    SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- Sacramento County Sheriff's Investigators said late Saturday that there is probably no link between the killing of a Sacramento County sheriff's deputy and the deaths of two people who were found in a van about 20 miles from where the officer was shot.

    Sacramento County Sheriff John McGinness tells KCRA that he believes that the van is not involved in Mitchell’s death and that the search for his killer continues.

    Deputy Jeff Mitchell, 38, was shot in the head during a traffic stop early Friday morning near the rural community of Sloughhouse in eastern Sacramento County. He was a nine-year veteran of the sheriff's department who began his career as recreational technician, becoming a sworn officer three years later.
     

    Officers were searching for a white van in connection with the shooting when a vehicle meeting that description was spotted Friday afternoon partially submerged in the Cosumnes River near the Amador County town of Plymouth.

    Inside the vehicle, officers found the bodies of Allan Everett Shubert, 43, of Sacramento and Nicole Ann Welch, 28, of North Highlands, a Sacramento suburb. There were no obvious signs of what caused their deaths.

    Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced a $100,000 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of those responsible for Mitchell's death.
     
     
    So, apparently, these were two random people that got their van stuck in the middle of the Consumnes River and suffocated when the exhaust backed-up through the tailpipe and into the cab of the van.
     
    Q#1:  What the hell are they driving through the Consumnes River for?
    Q#2:  At what point did they feel allowing the vehicle to run while stuck in the middle of a river was a good idea?
     
    Part of me wishes that this white van with front-end damage and no rear plate was the white van with front-end damage and no rear plate that everyone is looking for.  Another part of me is glad its not because that would mean the f^$ker got off easy.
     
     
    ***************************************************************************
     
    BUT...LOOK!!!
     
     

    Sheriff's Office 'outstanding'

    The Record
    Published Saturday, Oct 28, 2006

    STOCKTON - The San Joaquin County Sheriff's Office this week was named a California Sexual Assault Investigator's Association Outstanding Agency.

    The Sheriff's Office Child Abuse Sexual Assault unit was recognized for monitoring sex offenders for compliance with registration laws. CASA's registration program tracked each registered sex offender in the county, a press release said.

    The percentage of unaccounted for registrants in San Joaquin County was reduced to 1.9 percent, it said. The state average is 24 percent.

     

    SCORE!!!  Too bad we don't have any jail space to keep them in. 

    "Thank you for checking in, Mr. Baby Raper, you may go now."

     

    October 27

    They're going to find you f^*ker

      
     
     

    Suspect sought in killing of deputy

    By Ramon Coronado - Bee Staff Writer

    Last Updated 1:42 pm PDT Friday, October 27, 2006

    Sacramento County Sheriff's deputies guard the crime scene Friday morning following the shooting of a deputy during a traffic stop at Meiss and Dillard roads. Deputy Jeff Mitchell was killed in the incident. Sacramento Bee/Jose Luis Villegas

    A massive manhunt is under way for a suspect who fatally shot a Sacramento County Sheriff's deputy early Friday morning.

    Sheriff John McGinness said the deputy, Jeffrey Mitchell, 38, died at UC Davis Medical Center following the shooting around 3:30 a.m. It occurred at Meiss and Dillard roads south of Jackson Highway near Sloughhouse.

    "Clearly we want this suspect in custody," McGinness said at a morning news conference. "The singular priority is to bring this person to justice."

    Mitchell was a nine-year veteran of the department, the last six as an officer. He leaves behind a wife and a 6-year-old son.

    McGinness described Mitchell as a "fine, outstanding, dedicated officer." Before transferring to patrol, Mitchell had spent four years as a physical education instructor for inmates at the county jail.

    According to McGinness, Mitchell had communicated by computer to his dispatcher that he was making a traffic stop at 3:27 a.m. Part of that transmission was that the vehicle being stopped had no rear license plate.

    When the dispatcher couldn't reach Mitchell by radio, additional officers were sent to the scene. They arrived at 3:45 a.m. to find Mitchell on the ground outside his patrol car, shot once in the head. His gun was outside the holster, but it was not clear if it had been fired, McGinness said.

    "There's an awful lot of evidence to go through at the scene," McGinness said. "He may have been trying to detain (the suspect) for his own safety. It is likely there may have been an altercation."

    The suspect's vehicle is described as a white Chevrolet van with one occupant. Dispatch reports indicate there was damage to a fence gate at the scene of the shooting, leading investigators to believe the van may have front-end damage.

    Multiple law enforcement agencies fanned out over 465 square miles searching for the suspect, described only as a male.

    There were reports of vehicle sightings as far away as Ione, Roseville and Davis.

    McGinness said the rural area where Mitchell patrolled was a place he wanted to work.

    "He liked that area for its old-fashioned community policing," McGinness said.

    Mitchell is the first Sacramento County sheriff's deputy to die this year and third in the last two years.

    Anyone with information on the case is asked to call the sheriff's hotline at 916-874-6500 or 1-800-471-1700.

     
     
     
     UPDATE at 2:15PM
      

    Suspicious van not involved in deputy’s shooting (1:43 p.m.)

    The Record
    Published Friday, Oct 27, 2006

    LODI - The Sacramento County Sheriff's Office has determined that a white Chevrolet van found abandoned near a Lodi gas station was not the one involved in the early morning shooting death of a Sacramento County Sheriff's Deputy.

    A spokeswoman for the Sheriff's Office said the search continues for a man believed to have been driving a white Chevrolet van. Law enforcement agencies across the region have joined the search.

    Deputy Jeffrey Mitchell, 38, pulled over a white Chevrolet van at 3:27 a.m. in southern Sacramento County, a press release said. When dispatchers did not hear from him, deputies responded to the scene and found Mitchell suffering from a gunshot wound to the head. He was taken to U.C. Davis Medical Center where he was pronounced dead, according to the release.

    Lodi police this morning cordoned off a white Chevolet van parked at a 76 gas station at Kettleman Lane and Business Park Drive until Sacramento County investigators could respond, investigate and rule it out as the van involved in the killing.

    The van involved may have been damaged when the driver fled the scene, according to the Sacramento County Sheriff's Office.

    Anyone with information about the killing or the van is asked to call Sacramento County Sheriff's Office at (800) 471-1700.

    October 05

    Stockton No. 1 in violent crime rate

    Stockton--Where Accosting is a Way of Life

    Ellen Thompson
    Record Staff Writer
    Published Thursday, Oct 5, 2006

     

    STOCKTON - A committee formed last year to help Stockton lower its chart-topping crime rate is finalizing its recommendations on the heels of some sobering news: Stockton was the most violent big city in California in 2005 for a second straight year.

    Violent crime, a category that includes homicide, aggravated assault, robbery and rape, rose 11 percent in 2005, according to a Record analysis of recently released FBI statistics. The analysis looked at cities with more than 100,000 people.

    "Wow," Blue Ribbon Crime Prevention Committee member and former City Councilman Duane Isetti said of the news. "We sure have our work cut out for us, haven't we?"

    Isetti and about 40 other community members make up the committee Mayor Ed Chavez tasked with finding ways to lower the city's crime rate in response to the news last year that Stockton was the most violent California city in 2004.


    The committee is prioritizing its recommendations this week and will compile them at a meeting at 3:30 p.m. Oct. 18 at the Cesar Chavez Central Library before presenting them to the City Council. The meeting is open to the public.

    Officials and committee members agree it will take time for any changes to result in a fall-off in crime.

    "I know that it's a huge issue that we're battling, and I think battling is a good word for it," Vice Mayor Gary Giovanetti said Wednesday. "I don't think it's something you can put on a calendar and say, 'OK, we've turned the corner.' I don't think it's quite that easy."

    Stockton police officers investigate the scene of a triple shooting, including a homicide, on Jefferson and Grant streets on Dec. 26 in Stockton. FBI statistics show Stockton with about 15 violent-crime victims per 1,000 residents.
    Credit: CLIFFORD OTO/The Record
    Police Chief Wayne Hose said a lot of factors contribute to Stockton's upward trend in violent crime. Those include poverty, gang activity, methamphetamine use and school dropout rates.

    Before 2004, crime in Stockton fell had fallen for two years, Hose said.

    That put Stockton slightly ahead of a national trend reported by the FBI. In 2005, violent crime rose more than 2 percent nationally after falling for several years, according to the FBI.

    Violent crime in Manteca and Tracy rose in 2005 by 10.5 percent and 11 percent, respectively, an analysis showed. In Lodi, violent crime fell by about 10 percent, and it fell slightly in Ripon. The rates in those cities ranged from the lowest of about two victims of violent crime per 1,000 residents in Ripon to almost five victims per 1,000 residents in Manteca. That compares with about 15 violent-crime victims per 1,000 residents in Stockton.

    In 2004, Stockton police responded to 40 homicides, compared with 41 in 2005; 108 rapes were reported to Stockton police in 2004, compared with 109 last year; police investigated 1,187 robberies in 2004, compared with 1,357 last year; and in 2004, police responded to 2,365 aggravated assaults, compared with 2,695 in 2005.

    The city has responded to news of topping California cities for crime in 2004 by authorizing 40 new police positions, focusing on high-crime areas and creating a public education campaign.

    For north Stockton resident Frances Garcia, 51, the number that counts when it comes to crime is five - the number of grandchildren she has living in the city.

     
    "God gives us these children for us to be caregivers for them," Garcia said. "There's always concern about crime. All you have to do is walk out your door and you're there."


    August 16

    Tears For A Cop - God's Version



    When God Made Peace Officers

    When the Lord was creating peace officers, he was into His sixth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of idling around on this one."

    And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? A peace officer has to be able to run five miles through alleys in the dark, scale walls, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform. He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day at a stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvas the neighborhood for witnesses and testify in court the next day. He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."

    The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands....no way!"

    "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes the officer has to have."

    "That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

    The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, "May I see what's in there, Sir?" (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job) Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner's safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, "You'll be alright, Ma'am....when he knows it isn't so."

    "Lord, " said the angel, touching his sleeve. Rest and work on this tomorrow."

    "I can't", said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk into a patrol car without incident and feed a family of five on a civil service paycheck."

    The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly. "Can it think?" she asked.

    "You bet", said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a hundred crimes, recite Miranda warnings in its sleep, detain, investigate, search, and arrest a gang member on the street in less time than it takes five learned judges to debate the legality of the stop...and it still keeps its sense of humor. This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child abuser, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the daily newspaper how law enforcement isn't sensitive to the rights of criminal suspects."

    Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."

    "That's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

    "What's a tear for?" asked the angel.

    "It's for bottled up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American flag for justice."

    "You're a genius," said the angel.

    The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there," He said, "It comes with the job."

    God, please stop

     

    On Sunday, August 13th, 2006, at 4:09 A.M., Officer Joselito Barber was killed in a motor vehicle collision while on routine patrol in the Central District of the Seattle Police Department’s East Precinct.

    Officer Barber’s sudden and tragic loss affects us all. Officer Barber, 26 years old, had recently graduated from the police academy and was enthusiastically starting out in his new career as a Seattle Police Officer.

    Fellow officers and the community describe Officer Barber as caring and conscientious, and while new to the force, say he will be greatly missed.

    Our hearts go out to the friends and family of Officer Barber during this sad and difficult time.

    August 08

    Officer Down

    The CHP has lost another officer.     
     
    Officer Clearman was hit by a hit and run driver on the side of 880 in the Oakland Area in California.  He was an officer for only two years and was 33 years old.  I read in an article that he went to Louisiana to assist with the issues that arose from Katrina.
     
    I hope he didn't feel any pain.
     
    The Final Inspection
    Author Unknown

    The policeman stood and faced his God,
    Which must always come to pass.
    He hoped his shoes were shining.
    Just as brightly as his brass.

    "Step forward now, policeman.
    How shall I deal with you?
    Have you always turned the other cheek?
    To My church have you been true?"

    The policeman squared his shoulders and said,
    "No, Lord, I guess I ain't,
    Because those of us who carry badges
    can't always be a saint.

    I've had to work most Sundays,
    and at times my talk was rough,
    and sometimes I've been violent,
    Because the streets are awfully tough.

    But I never took a penny,
    That wasn't mine to keep....
    Though I worked a lot of overtime
    When the bills got just too steep.

    And I never passed a cry for help,
    Though at times I shook with fear.
    And sometimes, God forgive me,
    I've wept unmanly tears.

    I know I don't deserve a place
    Among the people here.
    They never wanted me around
    Except to calm their fear.

    If you've a place for me here, Lord,
    It needn't be so grand.
    I never expected or had too much,
    But if you don't.....I'll understand.

    There was silence all around the throne
    Where the saints had often trod.
    As the policeman waited quietly,
    For the judgement of his God.

    "Step forward now, policeman,
    You've borne your burdens well.
    Come walk a beat on Heaven's streets,
    You've done your time in hell."

    Officer Clearman is the 7th officers in 12 months.  Please think positive thoughts for them.
    July 12

    Requiem

    I am feeling a little more reassured in our justice system, even though others around the country may not feel the same.

    I have one more night of summer school.  I have been taking a legal research class.  It has been so much fun, I have learned so much its unbelievable.  We had two primary assignments.  The first was a short one, Professor gave us the topic.  The second is a legal memorandum.  A little rough if you've never written one before, very lengthy if you're not careful.  I got to make up my own fact pattern, which I seem to be growing with the more interesting stuff I find.  On top of that, there is virtually no case law yet on deaths related to taser use...in Ca and Federal at least.  Even out-of-state cases are not listing yet.  Civil cases can take years.

    I am amazed at the view the court has of police work.  I can understand, without firsthand experience, how frustrating it is for police officers to go through hell on an arrest to simply watch them dismissed or exonerated.  Its frustrating for striving-to-be-upstanding citizens as well. 

    I believe the courts are very willing to be on the officer's side when a citizen sues a cop directly in excessive force, wrongful death, etc.  I have uncovered an entire chunk of law that is used in such trials.  And its all good.  None has been overturned.  It gives a lot of latitude.  It understands split second decision making, and it doesn't look at hindsight.  And the best part is that it is Federal Law, which means it can be applied to any state case, if the attorney does his/her homework well.

    I am telling this to you guys that are my police "friends."  I want you to know this, if you didn't already.  The law has created an amazing filter.  It can sift out the truly corrupt from the good cops that get caught in a nasty situation.  There are some cases I found that did not turn out as expected or desired...but then I found the Appeal and Supreme Court decisions.  99% of the time, I'd venture to state, the courts rule in the officer's favor. 

     

    *********************************************************************************

    S.J. correctional officer injured

    The Record
    Published Wednesday, Jul 12, 2006

    A San Joaquin County correctional officer was injured this week while trying to control a violent inmate.

    By the time his struggle with the inmate was over, the officer had a second-degree burn on his left triceps and had been bitten on his right biceps.

    Charges of assault with a deadly weapon and mayhem were added to 31-year-old inmate Lajuan Payton's booking in connection with the incident.

    According to an initial Sheriff's Office report, Payton was cursing at other inmates while working in a jail unit about 9:30 p.m. Monday. When a correctional officer ordered him to stop, Payton disregarded the orders.

    He then ran to the kitchen area and picked up a coffee pot full of water. According to the Sheriff's Office, Payton allegedly poured the hot water onto the arm of the officer who tried to subdue him and then bit the officer during the struggle.

    His name is Officer Carter.  Think a happy thought for him, please.

    May 10

    Black Sash

     
    Captain Serpa died yesterday.  I drove past one of his campaign signs on my way to work this morning.
     
    Matt came home last night in a very shaken state.  Captain Serpa was a tough guy.  He was in charge of the jail, where Matt works most of the time.  Here was the rough part...
     
    When an officer dies, news is relayed quickly.  Captain Serpa died in the line of duty but not (for lack of a better term) the typical way.  He suffered a heart attack during a basketball game on his lunch hour.
     
    The jail is divided into "Jails":  North Jail, South Jail, Honor Farm.  The North Jail is the backside of the jail where the coroner also is.  Now, I don't know for sure, the officers of course would know better as to what a coroner's van would look like.  But Captain Serpa passed several hours earlier, and near the end of their shift, a caravan, including the coroner's van past the North Jail on its way to the...well, you know.
     
    Goddam twelve hour shifts.  And officers react differently.  There is no freedom to show emotion while on duty.  It has to wait.  And in that time the emotions are hidden, they turn into all kinds of nasty things.  I can't even imagine, he passed, the news was relayed, and then he returns to the same place it happened.  All of this while the same men and women were still on shift.  And work goes on. 
     
    Cops are amazing people; the strength and force to continue as normal when absolutely nothing is normal.  To be witness in the first person but yet shield the natural reactions gauranteed to ensue.
     
    I really hope that every officer out there has someone to go home to.  Someone who will listen.  Someone who won't judge.  Someone who will appreciate and love them for who they are and what they go through, not just what they do.
     

    The Tape

    When anything happens, you string up this “tape.”
    There’s your side and my side, and there is no “gate.”

    If I can’t get through while you work, that’s OK.
    But when you’re not working, don’t send me away.

    When it’s all over, your tape won’t come down.
    “Do Not Cross” is your message. The tape, it surrounds.

    You’re cordoned off, trapped with your private grief.
    I’m caught up in your pain, but can’t offer relief.

    You’re tied to your silence. That is the crime.
    I could help break the code, if you’d give me the time.

    * * *

    Allow me the freedom (it’s your badge, your call)
    To help when you need it. It’s good for us all.

    If I don’t understand everything that you mean,
    I can still lend an ear, while you sort out the scene.

    * * *

    With your permission, I’ll cut through the tape.
    Give me the chance, so we both can escape.

    Don’t fear that I’ll see that you’re not made of stone.
    I already know, so don’t go it alone.

    S. A. Wood

     

    God Bless Captain Serpa and his family.  For 29 years he protected us.

     

    April 08

    Damage Control

    I'm not sure if this happens to others.  It feels like its only us.
     
    It seems like the small things are really really big things.  Potholes are more like grand canyons that require a plan to traverse.  The issues are rearing their heads right now.  And again, it was like being side swiped.  What a fun evening we were having.  But my God was he drinking a lot, first clue something's not right.  Fun, laughing and watching a movie, pizza and beer for dinner, and my roommate was even there.  Then he asked her to leave, "I need to talk to Jen."
     
    She leaves, my heart sinks, he tells me the story.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But its nothing.  At least it was nothing to me.  But, wow, it was something to him.  These are the moments.
     
    These are the moments that are like watching a massive car wreck because someone slammed on their brakes for a friggin' squirrel in the road and macabre death and destruction result.
     
    It can be so frustrating.  I know what to do, I know what to say, I know where to go, I know how he can get past all of this, but he doesn't want to take the step.  Why wouldn't he want to take that step?  Its shitty, really, because now its bleeding into areas outside the norm of the tunnel.
     
    It was nothing.  He saw something.  He was off duty.  Unarmed, unvested, un-radio-ed, un-backed up.  I told him he shouldn't have stopped.  He didn't stop.  He felt bad for that.  He felt he should have stopped.  His heart is so big.  God, he's a great cop.  Exactly what you would want a cop to be.  A heart so big, with so much offer, so smart, so friendly, so helpful, so forceful, protecting, alert, hits the mark every time.  And its killing him.  Night by night.
     
    God, he's a great person.  Exactly what you would want a person to be.  A heart so big, with so much to offer, so smart, so friendly, so helpful, so forceful, protecting, alert, hits the mark every time.  And its killing him, night by night, because he's a cop. 
    March 25

    My best friend, my cop

    I am having a seriously hard time motivating myself to prepare for a midterm next week.  It will happen.  I always find the time.  If I'd start sooner then I would cause less stress on myself, but I seem to have adapted to my procrastination.
     
    My family has a website.  I was reading it earlier and don't tend to comment on the tidbits my family members leave on the site, but today I did.  It has sent me into a very melancholy and reflective mode.  So I've been roaming through some blogs that I have never visited before and it has made me even more reflective.
     
    I want to reflect on my best friend.
     
    His name is Matt.  I love him dearly.  We met nearly 6 years ago.  We are neighbors.  He lives 25 feet from me.  Matthew is a police officer.  He is the reason I have so many resources listed here for 'when you love a cop.'
     
    A few years ago, Matthew went through an absolute nightmare.  It has made me appreciate to the extreme what civil service workers go through on a daily basis.  Not only in their job but as human beings.  When you love a cop, firefighter, paramedic, soldier, doctor, lawyer, or really any person with a profession, the most important thing is to love them hard.
     
    My best friend didn't used to drink.  When I first met him 6 years ago he was a completely different person than he is now.  Different in every way.  My best friend cannot go one day without drinking now.  I think it is the only thing keeping him alive for the moment.
     
    When IT happened, we were both lost.  I didn't know what to say to him when he came home that day.  He didn't know what to say either when he came home that day.  The days have never been the same since.  Everyday is a challenge, a struggle.  The hardest thing to accept is that no matter how hard you try, you never go through it together.  He always feels alone. 
     
    Sometimes I lose patience but I never show it to him.  I understand PTSD.  I am not a doctor or psychologist.  I am a friend.  I have gone to great lengths to understand so I can be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
     
    But I am losing hope.  Its been almost 3 years now.  Its not getting any better.  I am fully aware that one person cannot fix anything if the one in need does not want it.  But, my God, its heart breaking.  I can visibly see the pain. 
     
    There is no relaxing.  For either of us.  I have not seen him sit down in his recliner in nearly 4 years.  He is always standing.  I have not been to his house in nearly 4 years that the .45 was not sitting within reaching distance of either one of us.  I have been instructed, trained, and molded for his use in case of incident.  I am 'the team' when we are home.  I have been taught to be a police officer by a police officer for the role of a police officer for the off duty times.  I am never off duty.
     
    PTSD in one of the most over looked traits of a police officer by the general public.  I have learned so much in respect to it but there is no preparation on when it will be applied.  The moments are blindsiding.  There is no warning.  No signs.  One moment we're fine.  The next we are crumbling.  I feel so lost and misdirected.  There is no one to help me understand.  But I must always be on the alert.  Always.
     
    Matthew paid me the biggest compliment anyone outside of police work ever could get.  He said to me, "you understand."  It was like an induction.  But my God, what a responsibility.  What if I fail.  What if I say the wrong thing.  What if something comes up that I can't understand.  What if he does it anyway.
     
    I am afraid.  He stumbled recently.  I missed it.  I missed the signs.  I almost failed.  I did fail.  I missed the signs.  But he didn't do it.  My life would be over.  He trusted me and I failed. 
     
    But he didn't do it. 
     
    So we start again.  We start back at square one.  We start with the talking, the laughing.  Soon we'll be able to leave the house again.  Soon we'll be able to go out instead of ordering in.  Soon we'll be able to see a movie in the theatre instead of watching at home.  Soon we'll be able to go to the grocery store again.  One step at a time.  Step together. 
     
    It will always be we. 
     
    My thoughts are in a focused vein of him today.  Tomorrow I'll feel stronger.  He's leaving for work in 28 minutes.  I'll be here.  He calls around 7pm.  I'll be here.  When 7 comes and goes I must deal with the other fear of why he didn't call.  I never tell him.  I never put more on him that may cause emotional overload.  He is in straight tension all night long.  He doesn't need to know how I feel.  I don't add to that.  Then I'll go to bed.  Hopefully with his phone call.  I'll sleep.  He'll come home while I'm sleeping.  And I'll get up so he can tell me about is day.  I don't want him to fall asleep with that crap in his head.  I know he will.  But I try to dillude myself by thinking that if he tells it to me, we'll share it.  And maybe, just maybe, the nightmares will be in my head and not his.  Maybe I can erase it from his head so he can sleep.  I'll carry it for him, even if its just for a while.
     
    I never used to think like this.  But now I feel what he feels.  He said once, actually many times, that the biggest fear of cops is the unknown.  In my daily life, I love the unknown.  It means adventure, something new.  Its different for cops who have had something like IT happen.  And now its different for me, too.
     
    17 mintues.
    March 02

    And the winners are...

    First, a little background. 
     
    In 2005, Stockton, California ranked #1 in the country for violent crimes committed per capita.  It also ranked #2 in the country for stolen vehicles per capita.  (Modesto, CA was number one--yes, this is the same Modesto you are thinking.)
     
    So in light of that, it is my pleasure to list the following in this blog to which all of 4 people might read.
     
    Winners of the Italian Athletic Club's annual Law Enforcement Night awards:
    Stockton Police Department: Officer John Dorville
    San Joaquin County Sheriff's Office: Deputy William Weston
    California Highway Patrol: Officer Mike Walling
     
     
    And by the by, Officer Billy Weston is now a bailiff at the courthouse.  A couple of years ago I went through a trial (not criminal, and I was the Plaintiff).  It was a miserable experience.  Officer Weston was my bailiff and he would wink at me every now and again across the courtroom just to let me know I had someone on my side.  There were no witnesses to support me.  It was all on my shoulders to get the testimony out.  The trial lasted a week and a half.  Officer Weston was not my bailiff for the second week.  But on the last day, he saw me in the hallway waiting for the verdict.  And let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've waited out your own jury deliberation.  He sat with me a minute and then afterwards he asked me how it went.  I was overwhelmed by him.  I hugged him and thanked him.  I wish the award was way bigger than local.   I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but somehow he knew that a wink and/or smile was all I needed to keep me going.  And if he did that for me, imagine what he's done for so many others.  Part of that sixth sense officers have.
     
    YEA, OFFICER BILLY!!!
     
     
     
    For more to the story and to see a picture of Officer Weston and the other nominees/winners:  http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060301/NEWS01/603010330&SearchID=73237249755605
     
    February 23

    One Degree of Separation

     
    For the readers of this blog it is only two.
     
    Officer Earl Scott attended an event for my school.  I did not get to meet him but the tempestuous pause is not mitigated in the least.
     
    No man is an island.  We are all connected.
     
     
    The Record
    Published Sunday, Feb 19, 2006

    CHP officer slain
    California Highway Patrol Officer Earl Harwood Scott was shot and killed near Ripon on Friday morning. Authorities arrested a 30-year-old Stockton man on related murder charges. Columbus J.R. Allen II proclaimed his innocence as he was led away from a Stockton city building where he was questioned Friday. Another man was detained as a material witness. The 36-year-old Scott, a Modesto-based CHP officer, was gunned down around 4:40 a.m. Friday beside his police cruiser as it sat on the northbound side of Highway 99 just south of Hammett Road near Salida. A passing motorist heard a pop as he drove past Scott's cruiser, saw the officer fall to the ground and the saw a car speed away from the scene, CHP spokesman Tom Killian said.

     

    Memory page for Officer Scott

    http://www.legacy.com/MODESTOBEE/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonId=16752938

     

    Follow-up:

    http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060223/NEWS01/602230330/1001

     

    The Final Inspection
    Author Unknown

    The policeman stood and faced his God,
    Which must always come to pass.
    He hoped his shoes were shining.
    Just as brightly as his brass.

    "Step forward now, policeman.
    How shall I deal with you?
    Have you always turned the other cheek?
    To My church have you been true?"

    The policeman squared his shoulders and said,
    "No, Lord, I guess I ain't,
    Because those of us who carry badges
    can't always be a saint.

    I've had to work most Sundays,
    and at times my talk was rough,
    and sometimes I've been violent,
    Because the streets are awfully tough.

    But I never took a penny,
    That wasn't mine to keep....
    Though I worked a lot of overtime
    When the bills got just too steep.

    And I never passed a cry for help,
    Though at times I shook with fear.
    And sometimes, God forgive me,
    I've wept unmanly tears.

    I know I don't deserve a place
    Among the people here.
    They never wanted me around
    Except to calm their fear.

    If you've a place for me here, Lord,
    It needn't be so grand.
    I never expected or had too much,
    But if you don't.....I'll understand.

    There was silence all around the throne
    Where the saints had often trod.
    As the policeman waited quietly,
    For the judgement of his God.

    "Step forward now, policeman,
    You've borne your burdens well.
    Come walk a beat on Heaven's streets,
    You've done your time in hell."